I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
