I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
love makes seman taste better
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
