dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
