I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
