Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
