Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
