I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
