My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
