Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
