using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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