Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
