so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
