Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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