You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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