My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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