Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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