Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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