You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
