My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
