it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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