Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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