Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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