just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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