my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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