the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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