My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she smelled like a LAN party
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
