i need an iv and a liver transplant
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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