I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
