and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
