Swine flu. Run for my life!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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