i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
