The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
