fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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