My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
