have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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