i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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