My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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