i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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