Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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