it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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