sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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