Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
