I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
