Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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