I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
