If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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