Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
