I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
