Can i not drive my cunt home
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
