Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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