I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
