maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
