got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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