The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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