he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize