that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
