Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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